Some time ago I asked you, in a story on Instagram, if there were any specific topics you wanted me to write about and quite a few responded that they would like to read something about slow living when living in the city and having children. Some wrote that they liked my calm and slow approach to raising kids and life in general, and those words, of course, made me really happy because it’s something I’m really trying to live by. But it’s not always easy. I make priorities every day so Frigg and Fridtjof can have as calm and easy day as possible. I’d rather work all night, and then be able to pick them up early at kindergarten or to take a whole day off with them every now and then. But many days feels like I’m working overtime in my head and in my thoughts, trying to find these solutions and opportunities in our worklife for the slow days, we want to have. So there is not always so much slow living going on in my head, I’m afraid. Especially not now when life is about to change.
The thing is that I have been a student for all the time I have had children. Not a particularly good or focused student but a student. But the other thing is that I soon will finish my studies and be educated as a school teacher in just a few months, and that properly means a different and a less flexible kinda everyday life as a teacher job is a 8-16 kinda job – and I find it hard to get use to that thought. But there is another thing to it and it’s might sound a little crazy for some, but it has been a though battle and a huge relief for me to finally acknowledge it and have the courage to say it out loud. The fact that I during my years as a teacher student have learned a lot, and I have changed a lot as I’m someones mother now and I have become better at listening to myself – to what makes me happy, what doesen’t make me happy because I want my children to have a mother, who is happy about life, instead of just following the flow, and doing what I think is expected of me. So I have, during these years as a teacher student, realized that I don’t want to be a teacher. At least not now.
But I will be an educated school teacher this summer, and I will no longer be a student, so the big question is what then? The truth is that I don’t have the answer to the question yet, and I feel such a strange mix of being both a little lost but also a feeling of finally being on the right path because I finally stopped lying to myself and accepted and acknowledged the fact that I don’t want to work as a school teacher. That is a big step for me and it has taken years. In fact, I have always had the feeling of being in the wrong place as a teacher student, but I told myself that the passion might come with time and I had no plan B, and as the time progressed I told myself how foolish it would be to drop out so close to the finishline, and maybe there was still a chance for that passion to arrive. But it never did. I wish I had listened to myself a little sooner, but today I’m also kinda happy about to prospect of being graduated as a teacher and then be able to close this really long chapter in a good way. But it’s hard work for me to spend so much time and energy on something I don’t feel is the right thing for me as I have a strong intuition and I’m not good at doing anything or being anywhere only half-hearted, and it has cost a lot of sweat and tears, and it has been a little like a fake it to you make it-situation for me. Sometimes when I was sitting in class, I found myself being afraid that my teacher and my fellow students could see it on my face – that is was written in big letters at my forehead: I DON’T WANT TO BE A TEACHER BUT I HAVE NO PLAN B.
But now, when I have said it out loud – also to my teacher, I feel that some weight have been lifted on my shoulders.
And it’s not all true that I don’t have a plan B. Jonas says I worry too much and that I just need to believe in myself and have the courage to go with the opportunities that are right in front of me. Maybe he’s right. The truth is that he is a lot better at seing the possibilities in things than I am. I need everything to be written in stone to believe in something.
And I’m sorry. I know this was meant to be a post about slow living. When I started writing the headline was “A slow life” but I guess it took another turn. The post about slow living with kids in the city will come another day, I promise. I just want to be honest and I don’t think I can write about slow living without telling you about all the challenges, thoughts and choices we, like everybody else, also deal with even though our lives might seem both calm and slow most of the time.
I owe you a post about slow living, that is for sure but I hope this was rewarding in one way or another to read too.
Love from Freja